Good Lovers

Someone recently asked: What makes a good lover?

Sorry, I can't recall which blogger was discussing this topic. My apologies to them.

It is an interesting question, trying to pinpoint those attributes that make one a good, or even great, lover.

Being a good lover must be distinguished from being merely "good in bed." Technical proficiency, while often appreciated, does not make for a good or great lover. Nor does experience, the handmaiden of skill. A good lover may have these attributes but they are not required. Indeed, a high degree of sexual skill can often be a detriment in a lover.

Since most of life can be distilled to a baseball analogy, bear with me. There are players who appear statistically invaluable: They hit for average and for power and are frequently the darlings of the sportscasters. Yet, their team never seems to win.

In these matters, I'm Roman, rather than Greek. While the Greeks far surpassed the Romans in cultural achievements and individual greatness, their city states ultimately fell before the Roman legions. Why? The Romans knew that a good team almost always defeats a collection of brilliant individuals.

Achilles may have been the greatest warrior in all of epic poetry but he was selfish, like those star athletes that never seem to lead their team to victory.

This is all to say that sometimes, those highly skilled in the art of sex are more interested in impressing themselves than pleasing others. I'm sure many of us have had partners that seemed driven to bring us to as many orgasms as possible. Sounds wonderful, right? Yes, until you realize that he's doing it for his own ego, his own satisfaction.

So lets try to determine what elements make for an excellent, or at least good, lover.

Mutual Attraction: At the most primal level we probably aren't in bed together but for attraction. That attraction is usually physical at first but ultimately will be based more on personality than beauty. In fact, sometimes the best looking men are lazy in bed, as if resting on their beauty laurels.

Desire to Please: This is huge. The best lovers have an over-arching desire to please their mate for the sake of the mate, not their own egos. If you and your partner have ever spent an evening (or morning or afternoon) desperately trying to out-please one another you know what I'm talking about.

Enthusiasm: A crucial element, related to the Desire to Please. We've all been with people who go through the motions. This is especially true when doing something you may like but they don't. If you don't like something, don't do it and concentrate on something you both like. I'd rather forgo an act than have it performed half-hearted. Know your limits and your partners limits. Eagerness and enthusiasm can make up for any deficiency in your game.

Try New Things: The willingness to experiment is a wonderful attribute for any lover. This could be as extreme as inviting another woman into bed with you and your man or something less extreme. If your typical tryst location is the bedroom, try the living room. If you typically lay on the bed to give him a blow job, try breaking-up the routine by dropping to your knees.

Don't Leave it in the Bedroom: A lover that flirts when your clothes are on. In the kitchen, living room, car. Hearing or sensing a man's desire is powerful, heady stuff.

Leave it in the Bedroom: Never use what happened in the bedroom as a weapon. When you argue, you have many arrows in your quiver. What occurs in the bedroom should not be one of them. I once heard a couple arguing and, in a rage, she mentioned all the "dirty things" she did for him. That's a bad lover. Aside from the fact that one should take responsibility for what they do during sex, you don't need a lover that's distracted because of possible, future recriminations.

Variety: No one wants a lover that's bi-polar. However, a good lover can be hot and passionate as well as light and silly, depending on the mood.

I'm not sure that will make a great lover, but it will go far in making for a very good lover. At least for me and I suspect for many of us. And, the elements set forth above do not require great experience or technical proficiency.