Things They Don't Teach You in School

It's time for this post.

Telling Chris about my engagement was not the first, second or even third thing that popped onto my radar after Steve proposed. I feel guilt over this but it's true. I knew Chris needed to be told but that realization only hit the next day.

I wrangled with this for a good twenty-four hours. My personality is such that inedecision creates far more stress and anxiety than action. Once something is irrevocably set in motion then, and only then, does the emotional whirlwind within begin to subside. The emotions do not subside. It's just that the whirlwind's tragectory changes and moves towards resolution.

My decision was ultimately easy. Tell Chris now! I wanted to keep my promise of being open and honest. More importantly, Chris deserved nothing less.

As I picked up the phone, my entire body shook. It was awful. You think you're so calm and cool and then your body rebels. Hands shake, hell, whole body shakes, voice cracks and waivers. You see why a career in neurosurgery was never an option. Of course, after the emotional work-up, I had to leave a message. He finally got back to me a few hours later. I told him I needed to see him soon. We met that same night. At his apartment.

He knew something was up. Everything about me, my voice, my body language, telegraphed it to him. I'd be a terrible poker player.

After a hug and a kiss we sat on his couch. I grabbed his hands and just told him. Like I said, he knew something was up and I have to believe my getting married was on the list of possibilities. His first reaction? A swift glance at my hand and noting that I hadn't worn my ring.

I had not worn my engagement ring. To do so, in my mind, would give my happiness precident over what would be a confusing time for Chris. Also, there's the whole male, territorial marking thing.

We talked for a short time. I told him I loved him, that there was still a place for him in my life but that things would obviously change. He then asked me to leave because he needed time. "Will you call me when you've had some time?' I asked.

"I don't know."

Honesty is a cruel two-way street.

This was more than a month ago. I'll follow-up in future posts.